Albert and the Royal Wedding
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One day, Mr. And Mrs. Ramsbottom
Was takin’ their ease after tea
When up the front path came the postman
“Mr. R., I’ve got letter for thee!”

Pa stood there lookin’ fair puzzled
It were sealed wi’ a grand lookin’ crown
And the postmark were “Buckingham Palace”
So ‘e thought as ‘e’d better sit down

“Well then open it, Father”, said Mother
Whose nose bothered ‘er more than ‘er mouth
And Pa drew out gold invitation
To some wedding, in London, down South

“I reckon this must be a mix-up”
Said Ma – “This weren’t s’posed to come ‘ere
And who’s this ‘ere William and Catherine?
It does seem a little bit queer”

“But it plainly says ‘ere we’re invited
We really ought not to refuse.”
Said Pa Ramsbottom, already dreamin’
O’ all o’ that free food and booze

They’ll be married by yon Archbishop
That chap Rowan – ‘e does all these things
‘E’ll be up there at Westminster Abbey
And ‘appen we’ll see ‘im from t’ wings

At this, Albert got quite excited
‘E’d just caught the name “Rowan”, I mean
And not knowin’ the one from the t’ other
‘E thought as Pa meant Mr. Bean

“Not the Atkinson one!” explained Father
“Rowan Williams – Welsh chap wi’ a beard”
And Albert looked fair disappointed
Perhaps weddin’s weren’t all they appeared

The day came, and all the Ramsbottoms
On a bus up to London did ride
They waved th’ invitation at doorway
And was quickly conducted inside

They was married wi’ due ceremony
And a cheer rose from everyone there
And Albert, fair carried away – like
Waved ‘is ‘orse’s ‘ead stick in the air

At t’ reception the poor lad were famished
And though ‘e’d not normally gripe
‘E weren’t really partial to lobster
And ‘e asked if ‘e couldn’t ‘ave tripe

Then Pa, raisin’ ‘is glass to the couple
Whispered, “Champagne’s aye better than nowt
But there’s only a drop in these tumblers
I could murder a good pint o’ stout!”

“Excuse me!” said chap at ‘is shoulder
“But your sort ought not to be here!”
‘E were stuck-up and all ‘oity-toity
And so Albert shoved stick in ‘is ear

In a moment the place were in uproar
And security guards knocked ‘im flat
“It’s a stick wi’ an ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle!
Yer s’posed to ‘ave licence for that!”

Then Mother and Father and Albert
Was marched straight away to the Tower
But Beefeaters groaned “No, not Ramsbottoms -
We’ve ‘ad trouble wi’ this lot before!”

They was languishin’ there in the dungeon
And Pa said, wi’ a chain round ‘is foot
“I’ve ‘ad it to ‘ere wi’ Royal Weddin’s –
When it’s ‘Arry’s turn, we’re stayin’ put!”

A knock at the door came that moment
And t’ gaoler said, turnin’ the key,
“Yer’ d best get yerselves spruced up sharpish
There’s somebody ‘ere to see thee!”

“I except it’s the ‘eadsman,” said Mother
I think it’s a shame and a sin!”
But you’d ‘ave heard the proverbial pin drop
When Catherine and William walked in

“I’m sorry ‘bout all this, yer ‘Ighness”
Said Pa, “But just give us a break
And we’ll take ourselves straight back northward –
We knew it were all a mistake”

“Don’t you worry ‘bout that”, said the Princess
“It was our folk as got it all wrong
You were meant to get th’ invitation –
We both wanted you there all along”

“We’ve ‘eard all about yer adventures”
Said William, “It’s like we’re yer fans
And Gran always ‘as a fair chuckle
When we mention young Albert or Sam”

“Ere’s yer stick wi’ the ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle”
Said Catherine, “I think it’s just great!
And ‘ere, less o’ this “‘Ighness” palaver
Why don’t you all just call me Kate?”

“We’ll ‘ave you back ‘ome in a jiffy
We’re sorry they dragged you in ‘ere
So we’ve ordered you up a stretch limo
Stocked wi’ plenty o’ parkin and beer”

“We can’t stay, though, much as we’d like to
We’ve got ‘oneymoon booked, to be sure
And me Mum wants to take some more pictures -
Seems our Wills ‘ad ‘is eyes shut before”

“‘Oneymoon, eh?” chuckled Father
Giving young William a wink
“Some exotic location, I dare say?”
“No,” said Kate, “That’s just what they all think!”

“We reckoned we’d best set example
And go somewheres easy to reach
So we’re ‘avin’ a fortnight at Blackpool
In a nice little place by the beach”

“Why, then – all’s well that ends well!” said Mother
“And Good Luck, just between you and me
And if ever you’re passin’ up our way
Just drop in for a nice cup of tea!