Albert the Jedi
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A long time ago, so it’s reckoned
In a galaxy far, far away
Lived a Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
And their little son Albert, they say

Now Pa worked as a starship repair man
And when aliens came in with their craft
‘E ‘d say “Eh up, tha’ needs a new warp drive.”
And then charge ‘em through t’ gills – ‘e weren’t daft!

They ‘ad neighbours by name o’ Skywalker
Though they weren’t really Ma and Pa’s sort
And their son were obsessed wi’ pod-racin’ –
A dangerous game, Albert thought

‘E were buildin’ a robot in t’ toolshed
All gangly, called See Three Pee Oh
But the batteries wasn’t included
So ‘e just sort o’ stood there – like so

One fine evenin’ as both moons was risin’
At the door came a rat-a-tat-tat
‘T were a little green chap name o’ Yoda
Who stood shiverin’ there on the mat

They invited ‘im in for a cuppa
For ‘e seemed not to mean them no ‘arm
‘E’d been out for an afternoon dander
Round the galaxy’s left spiral arm

‘E ‘d called in at their planet in passin’
And stopped off at the pub for a drink
But the Force were that strong round young Albert
All ‘is instruments went on the blink

Now this Yoda were t’ Master o’ t’ Jedi
Though ‘e ‘ad a peculiar bent
As whatever ‘e said came out backwards
So ‘s folk ‘adn’t a clue what ‘e meant

“’Ave you ever the Jedi considered?
Job it steady like is for a lad
Give you a light sabre shall we
And t’ fringe benefits aren’t all that bad”

Now Albert ‘ad ‘eard o’ these Jedi
So ‘e thowt as ‘e’d ‘ave a look – see
‘E spent first six months polishin’ doorknobs
And then eighteen more makin’ the tea

‘E ‘ad twice-weekly lessons wi’ Yoda
Who explained that by usin’ this Force
‘E could lift up the ‘eaviest spaceships –
Though the trick were – don’t drop them, of course

One day, Yoda said “Right, young Ramsbottom,
Your light sabre choose now must you.”
There were one wi’ an ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle
And so Albert said “Aye, that’ll do!”

But one chap ‘ad sinister notions
To ‘old all the Jedi in thrall
And turn ev’ryone to the Dark Side
And ‘is name – aye, you’ve guessed – were Darth Maul

‘Is face were all dyed red and yeller
And ‘is scruples weren’t up to that much
And ‘e’d spikes superglued round ‘is barnet
As got tangled in clotheslines and such

The chance came one Thursday in April
For ‘is dastardly plans to bear fruit
‘E’d start off by world domination
And make off wi’ the cash box to boot

Obi Wan were off sick wi’ a virus
Qui Gon Jinn ‘ad nipped out for ‘is tea
There weren’t nobody else in the office
Exceptin’ young Albert and ‘e

‘E flashed out ‘is double light sabre
But oh – what a nasty surprise –
As ‘e pointed one end at young Albert
The other brought tears to ‘is eyes

Young Albert were ‘ailed as an ‘ero
For deliv’rin’ the Jedi from strife
“A medal deserve you,” said Yoda
“And free Yorkshire Puddin’ for life!”

So that’s ‘ow the saga got started
There’s no tellin’ ’ow long it’ll run
You can buy it on HD and Blu-Ray –
“Albert Ramsbottom – Episode One”