Albert and the Dinosaur
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Yer’ve ‘eard o’ young Albert’s encounter
Wi’ the spectre o’ Lady Jane Grey
‘Ow the ‘eadsman and a’ were sent packin’
And ‘ow cold drippin’ toast saved the day

Well, after this brush wi’ the occult
Young Albert weren’t feelin’ too good
So ‘is Ma and ‘is Pa sent for t’ doctor
And asked ‘im to do what ‘e could

The doctor took one look at Albert
And told ‘im to stick ‘is tongue out
And then said to stick it back sharpish
‘Twere a sight ‘e could well do wi’out

‘E scribbled awhile in ‘is notebook
And passed the prescription to Ma
It were syrup o’ figs for young Albert
And a bottle o’ gin for ‘is Pa

Now while they was recuperatin’
They thought they’d see some o’ the sights
They found London were bigger ‘n Blackpool
Tho’ it came a poor second on lights

Albert’s Aunt up in Southport ‘ad told ‘em
That whatsoever else they might miss
To see t’ Museum o’ Natural ‘Istory
‘T would be most educational, this

But when first they went into the buildin’
The Ramsbottoms weren’t at all chuffed
And Father complained to t’ Curator
As ‘ow all the exhibits was stuffed

They wandered around notwithstanding
‘Till Ma gave a cry o’ delight
And said “Ee, look, Albert, it’s Wallace!”
And Albert fair stammered wi’ fright

But on seein’ as the lion weren’t movin’
And its face were moth-eaten and bald
The little lad plucked up ‘is courage
And this time it were t’ lion as got mauled

Young Albert were ‘avin a riot
Wi’ this feline as couldn’t fight back
‘E were pokin’ ‘is stick up its nostrils
And givin’ its ears a good smack

‘Till one o the Museum attendants
Determined ‘is progress to check
In a friendly – like way, but persuasive
Kindly offered – to wring Albert’s neck....

Meanwhile Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
Was bein’ ushered around by a guide
And the things ‘e were tellin’ the couple
Made their eyes and their ears open wide

It were all about chap named Charles Darwin
Who’d come up wi’ some sort o’ idea
As all folk was descended from monkeys –
Aye, it did sound a little bit queer

But Mother took one look at Father
Who were standing there scratchin’ ‘is ears
And said as that might explain summat
She’d been wond’rin’ about for some years

There were one most extraord’nary creature
A tyrannosaurus – a big un
That ‘ad been the most fearsome flesh eater
As ‘ad ever been seen – outside Wigan

Pa stood gazin’ in rapt admiration
At the six-inch teeth studdin’ its jaw
“If they’d ‘ad one o’ those up at Blackpool
We’d ‘ave got that insurance for sure!”

But when ‘e looked round for a moment
The sight stopped ‘im dead in ‘is tracks
‘T were an eighty five foot Diplodocus
And Albert were perched on its back

‘E were diggin’ ‘is ‘eels in its neck bones
And wavin’ ‘is stick in the air
And shoutin’ “Gee, giddy up, horsey!”
And t’ Curator were tearin’ is ‘air

There were only one possible outcome
There were kind o’ a rumble and roar
And young Albert were sittin’ there grinnin’
In a pile o’ ‘uge bones on the floor

“Your lad can just put those together!”
Said t’ Curator, goin’ blue in the face
“And until e’s got bones reassembled
There’s not one of you’ s leavin’ the place!”

Young Albert looked up at ‘is parents
‘e whimpered and started to cry
For ‘e ‘d never been much good wi’ jigsaws
But ‘e said that ‘e would at least try

In the end they all mucked in and ‘elped ‘im
And by t’ time as they’d finished their stint
They’d used nearly all o’ the pieces
And ‘t were only the tail as was squint

“That’s the last birthday trip for young Albert!”
Said Father, “Now let that be known
And if ever ‘e wants back to London –
‘E can ruddy well go on ‘is own!”