Albert in Glencoe
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There’s a place called Glencoe in the Highlands
Where the climbs are all Diffs and Severes
And the EUMC upped and went there
As they’d done for a number o’ years

Young Albert Ramsbottom were wi’ them
A Lancashire Lad as tha’ knows
For ’e thowt it might make change from Blackpool
To tackle some routes up in t’ Coe

They’d ‘ired a coach across Rannoch
They were there in under the ‘our
And seein’ as t’ pubs wasn’t open
They ‘eaded for Crowberry Tower

The Yummick all shouldered their rucksacks
As they trudged through the bogs ‘neath the crags
Wi’ their ‘elmets and flimsy ‘ead torches
Wi t’ batt’ries in old poly bags

They didn’t think much to the buttress
The rocks they was greasy and sheer
There was no ‘olds and no ruddy belays
And their members was quakin’ wi’ fear

They’d no sooner got to the buttress
Than the rain it came down in a flood
It poured in streams from the pitches
And started to wash off the blood...

So seekin’ for liquid refreshment
They took themselves off to the bar
Where they’d Export and Special and Guinness
Though the whisky were better by far

But one group of stalwart enthusiasts
Determined to brave it in spite
And they swore they’d get up Clachaig Gully
If it took ‘em the ‘ole ruddy night

There were one great big climber named Wallace
‘E fancied ‘imself as an ace
‘E roped up and started off sharpish
‘And – jammin’ ‘is way up the face

Now Albert ‘ad ‘eard o’ these climbers
As ‘ow they was ferocious and sure
And to see Wallace risin’ so quickly
Well the little lad stood there in awe

Then Wallace that masterful climber
Quite rightly when all’s said and done
Belayed at the top o’ the first pitch
And shouted “Bah gum that were fun!”

‘E called to young Albert Ramsbottom
And said “Ee, lad, tha’t better come next.”
And Albert looked up at the ov’rangs
And then ‘e said “Ee, I am vexed!”

‘E started to climb wi’ ‘is eyes shut
‘E just didn’t dare to look down
And before ‘e knew quite what were ‘app’nin’
‘E were ‘undred feet up off the ground

But then when ‘e came to the layback
‘E laid back a little too far
‘E went ‘ead over ‘eels off the corner
And started to float through the air

‘Ole Wallace were ‘avin’ a ciggie
As ‘e stood wi’ ‘is ‘ands turnin’ blue
‘E’d quite clean forgot about Albert
‘Till e’ suddenly ‘eard the to-do

Young Albert fell back down the gully
From one side to t’ other went ‘e
Bouncin’ off rocks in ‘is progress
‘Till ‘e landed all squelchy on t’ scree

‘Amish McInnes were sent for
‘E came and ‘e said, “What’s up noo?”
Said Wallace, “Yon Albert’s gone peelin’
And ‘im on me brand new rope too!”

McInnes ‘e wanted no trouble
‘E brought out ‘is dogs right away
Said Wallace, “Don’t bother wi’ t’ stretcher –
It’s buckets yer needin the day....”

They spread themselves out o’er the ‘illside
And to pick up the pieces did start
But it took ‘em some time to find both o’ is legs –
They was best part o’ furlong apart

They made a great pile o’ the fragments
Though it did look a little bit silly
“Item – two elbows, item – two knees –“
‘E were nearly all there bar ‘is – left shoulder....

They carried ‘im down in ‘is rucksack
And they auctioned ‘is gear on the way
Though they couldn’t get much for ‘is breeches
And the stuff in ‘is ‘elmet were grey

The Meet Leader’s visage were troubled
As ‘e thowt on the coach journey back
‘E said, “Yer’ d best put ‘im in t’ boot, lads –
I doubt ‘e’ d not keep well on t ’racks”

They stopped at the Callander chippie
And the Meet Leader ‘ad an idea
‘E said, “Ee, lads, I’ve found the solution
We need look no further ‘n ‘ere!”

A bargain were struck wi’ the owner
It’s funny as ‘ow things turn out
So they brought in young Albert Ramsbottom
And they all ‘ad their ‘addock fer nowt

They’d taken good care o’ that problem
O’er their thoughts it no longer ‘eld sway
But – yer best not to order black puddin’
If yer ever up Callander way!